When I tour memory care with a family, there are a lot of questions we can ask. We can talk about staffing, meals, activities, medication management, pricing, transportation and what happens if care needs increase. All of those things matter, and I want families to understand them before making a decision.
But there is one question I think can tell you more about a memory care community than almost anything else:
“Tell me how you would care for my mom.”
Not the average resident. Not someone with dementia in general. My mom.
Then tell them who she is.
When families are comparing Memory Care OKC, it’s easy to spend the entire tour learning about the community. I want to turn that around. At some point during the tour, I want to find out how interested the community is in learning about the person who may actually live there.
Don’t Just Tell Them About the Diagnosis
If Mom has Alzheimer’s disease, obviously the community needs to know that. If Dad has vascular dementia, Lewy body dementia or another diagnosis, that information matters too. But a diagnosis tells me very little about who that person has been for the last 70 or 80 years.
Tell them Mom taught second grade for 35 years. Tell them she loves country music, wakes up early and has had coffee every morning for as long as you can remember. Tell them she never cared much for large groups but would sit outside for hours if the weather was nice.
Tell them Dad worked on cars his entire life. Maybe he was the guy who could never sit still and always had some kind of project going in the garage. He hates bingo, loves the Sooners and still believes he needs to get up for work some mornings.
That information matters because good dementia care should be personal.
If I’m touring Memory Care OKC with a family, I don’t only want to hear what activities are offered. I want to hear someone on the care team begin thinking about how those activities, routines and surroundings might fit this particular person.
Listen to What They Ask You Back
This is where the conversation can get really interesting.
After you describe Mom, what does the person giving the tour ask you?
Do they want to know what time she normally wakes up? Do they ask what she enjoys doing? Are they interested in what tends to make her anxious or what usually calms her down? Do they ask how she has been sleeping or what her normal day currently looks like?
Those follow-up questions tell me something.
A good memory care team should understand that two residents with the same diagnosis can need very different approaches. One person may love being surrounded by activity. Another may become overwhelmed by too much noise. Dad may want to walk throughout the day while Mom is happiest sitting with one or two people listening to music.
If every resident is expected to fit into the exact same routine, that would concern me more than whether the countertops are granite.
Ask Them to Walk You Through a Difficult Situation
I also like giving communities a real scenario rather than only asking general questions.
Maybe Mom has started refusing showers. Ask them what they would do.
Maybe Dad becomes restless around 4:00 every afternoon and repeatedly says he needs to leave because he is late for work. How would they respond?
If your mom becomes upset when people correct her, tell them that. If Dad wakes up several times during the night, ask what the overnight team would do.
This gives you a chance to hear how the community actually thinks about dementia care.
When evaluating Memory Care OKC, I want to hear more than, “Our staff are trained in dementia.” That’s good, but tell me what that looks like at 4:30 on a Tuesday afternoon when Dad is standing at the door insisting his boss is going to fire him if he doesn’t get to work.
The answer to that question tells me much more.
Good Dementia Care Requires Curiosity
One of the qualities I appreciate in a caregiver is curiosity. Instead of immediately labeling something as a “behavior,” I want someone to wonder why it is happening.
Why does Mom become upset before dinner? Is she tired? Hungry? Overstimulated? Does that time of day remind her of something she used to do?
Why does Dad keep trying to leave? Maybe he spent 40 years leaving for work at the same time every morning. Maybe he thinks his children are young and waiting for him somewhere. Maybe he is simply restless and needs somewhere safe to walk.
We may not always figure out exactly what is happening in the person’s mind, but asking why changes the way we respond.
That is one of the things I pay attention to when helping families compare Memory Care OKC communities. Do staff talk about residents as individuals, or mostly in terms of problems that need to be managed?
There is a big difference.
Watch Whether the Answer Sounds Rehearsed
Every community is going to tell you they provide personalized care. I would expect them to say that.
What I want families to listen for are the details.
If you tell them Mom was a teacher, do they immediately start telling you how they would incorporate her history into her day? Maybe she could help organize something, read with someone or participate in an activity that gives her a sense of usefulness.
If Dad worked with his hands his entire life, does the person giving the tour understand why sitting through three organized group activities every day probably isn’t going to appeal to him?
You aren’t looking for a perfect answer. They haven’t even met your loved one yet.
You’re listening for whether they are already thinking about the person rather than simply trying to sell you the apartment.
Ask What Happens After Move-In
Getting to know Mom shouldn’t stop once the paperwork is signed.
Ask how information about her routines, preferences and history gets communicated to the people actually providing care. The salesperson may know everything you told them during the tour, but does the caregiver working Saturday evening know any of it?
How is the care plan developed? How is it updated? How do caregivers learn what works and doesn’t work with a resident?
If Dad starts behaving differently two months after moving into Memory Care OKC, who notices? Who communicates with the family? How does the team adjust?
Dementia changes over time. The care plan needs to be able to change with it.
Pay Attention to the Residents You See
While you’re asking questions, don’t forget to look around.
Watch the staff interacting with people who already live there. Those residents can tell you quite a bit about how your loved one may eventually be treated.
If a woman walks up and interrupts your tour, watch what happens. Does the person you’re talking with acknowledge her warmly, or does she become an inconvenience because you’re the prospective customer?
If someone asks the same question twice while you’re standing there, listen to the response.
Those little unscripted moments are some of my favorite parts of a tour because they’re difficult to manufacture.
A community can prepare a beautiful model apartment. It’s much harder to stage the natural relationship between a caregiver and a resident they’ve cared for every day for two years.
You’re Not Just Shopping for a Room
I think families sometimes put tremendous pressure on themselves to find the “best” memory care community. I usually try to change the question.
We’re looking for the best fit for your person.
The community I would recommend for one family may not be the community I recommend for another. Location matters. Budget matters. Care needs matter. Personality matters. The environment matters.
That is why I don’t believe choosing Memory Care OKC should ever come down to which building looks the nicest or which salesperson gives the best tour.
We are trying to picture an actual person living there on an ordinary Wednesday six months from now.
What will Mom’s morning look like? Who will know that she likes her coffee a certain way? What happens when she has a bad afternoon? Will someone know that talking about her grandchildren usually calms her down?
Those are the things that begin to tell us whether the fit is right.
At Abundant Life Senior Consulting, that’s one of the reasons I spend so much time getting to know the families I help before we ever choose a community. I want to know who Mom or Dad is, what has been changing and what matters to the family. Then we can compare Memory Care OKC options through that lens rather than simply making a list of amenities.
So when you take your next memory care tour, ask about staffing. Ask about activities. Ask about cost. Ask every question you need to ask.
But somewhere during that conversation, tell them about the person you love and ask:
“Based on everything I just told you, how would you care for my mom?”
Then listen closely to the answer.