Families ask me this question more often than you might think: “Should we tell Dad he’s moving into memory care?”
At first, the answer seems obvious. Of course you should tell him. He’s an adult, it’s his life and he deserves to know what is happening.
I agree with the principle behind that. We should always treat someone living with dementia with dignity and involve them in decisions as much as they are reasonably able to participate.
The harder question is how much can Dad understand and retain right now?
That’s where the answer becomes much more personal. When I’m helping a family prepare for Memory Care OKC, I don’t think there should be one script every family follows. The way we approach the conversation should depend on where the person is cognitively, how they respond to change and whether telling them weeks ahead of time actually helps them prepare or simply gives them weeks to worry.
Early Dementia Is Different From Advanced Dementia
If Mom is in the earlier stages and understands that her memory is changing, I would absolutely want her involved in the conversation.
She may be able to tour communities, tell us what she likes and doesn’t like and participate meaningfully in choosing where she lives. Those preferences matter.
She might tell us she wants somewhere close to her church. Maybe having an outdoor space is important. Maybe she prefers a smaller environment.
The earlier families begin discussing future care, the more opportunity the person living with dementia may have to participate in those decisions.
That’s one reason I encourage families to learn about Memory Care OKC before a crisis whenever possible.
Later in the disease, the conversation can look very different.
More Information Isn’t Always More Helpful
Let’s say Dad has progressed to the point where he can’t remember what you told him 15 minutes ago.
You tell him three weeks before the move, “Dad, you’re moving into memory care on the 15th.”
He becomes anxious.
An hour later, he has forgotten the conversation.
The next morning, someone reminds him again. He becomes anxious again.
Now Dad may experience the fear of learning about the move over and over without having the ability to process it, prepare for it or remember the reassurance that came afterward.
In that situation, giving weeks of advance notice may make us feel like we’re being transparent without actually helping Dad.
This is where families have to think about the purpose of the information.
Ask Whether the Conversation Benefits Them
This is a question I like to use.
Is telling Mom this information helping her make a decision or prepare emotionally, or is it repeatedly causing distress that she can’t understand?
If she can participate meaningfully, involve her.
If she cannot retain the information and every conversation leads to fear, we may need a different approach.
That doesn’t mean treating her like a child. It means adapting communication to the cognitive abilities she has today rather than the abilities she had five years ago.
Good dementia care requires us to meet someone where they are.
Be Careful About Making Promises You Can’t Keep
Sometimes families become uncomfortable with the conversation and start making promises.
“You’ll only be there for a couple of days.”
“This is just temporary.”
“We’ll bring you home next week.”
If that isn’t actually the plan, I would be careful.
You may be trying to reduce anxiety in the moment, but those promises can create additional problems later.
Instead, you can focus on what is happening right now. “We’re going somewhere where you’ll have some help.” “I’m going with you.” “Let’s get settled and have lunch.”
Short, reassuring information may be easier for someone with dementia to process than a detailed explanation of a permanent life change.
Too Many Family Members Can Make It Worse
I’ve seen families approach difficult conversations almost like an intervention.
Three adult children sit Mom down at the kitchen table because everyone wants to show a united front. Each person explains why she needs to move.
Imagine what that may feel like from Mom’s perspective.
She may not remember the wandering incident everyone is talking about. She may not believe she needs help. Now three people are telling her she can no longer live in her own home.
That can feel threatening.
Sometimes one trusted person having a calm conversation works much better than the entire family presenting a case.
When preparing for a move into Memory Care OKC, think about who your loved one trusts and who tends to communicate with them most successfully.
Give Choices Where Choices Still Exist
Even if the larger decision has been made, Mom may still be able to make plenty of smaller decisions.
Which pictures does she want in her room? Which comforter should go on the bed? Does she want the blue chair or the brown one? What clothes should we bring?
Those choices preserve some control.
Dementia may gradually take away someone’s ability to make complex decisions, but that doesn’t mean every decision should immediately be taken away.
I think families sometimes become so focused on keeping someone safe that they unintentionally stop offering choices altogether.
The goal is to support independence where it still exists while providing protection where it is needed.
Work With the Community Before Move-In Day
If you’ve selected a Memory Care OKC community, talk with them about how they recommend approaching the transition.
Tell them about Mom. What tends to upset her? What calms her? Does she respond better to one family member than another? What does her normal morning look like?
Experienced memory care teams have helped many families through move-in day and may have suggestions based on the person and the circumstances.
I also want the community prepared for what Mom may say when she arrives. If she repeatedly asks when she’s going home, the staff should already understand some of her history and how the family has been responding.
The transition shouldn’t begin when she walks through the front door. The planning should happen beforehand.
What About Someone Who Absolutely Refuses?
This is where things become more complicated.
If Dad understands the situation, has the capacity to make the decision and says no, the family may not simply be able to override him because they disagree.
If his dementia has progressed to the point where his decision-making capacity is seriously in question and there are significant safety concerns, the family may need guidance from healthcare providers and potentially an elder law attorney regarding what authority exists and what steps are appropriate.
A dementia diagnosis by itself doesn’t answer every legal question.
My role when helping families consider Memory Care OKC is to help with the care side, but sometimes the care conversation shows us that medical or legal guidance is also needed.
Move-In Day Shouldn’t Become a Debate
Once the decision has been appropriately made and move-in day arrives, I generally don’t want the entire day to become one long argument about whether the move should happen.
Keep things as calm and simple as possible.
If the person is anxious, acknowledge that. Don’t spend an hour trying to convince them they’re going to love it.
The community may be able to engage Mom in lunch, an activity or conversation while family finishes getting the room situated.
How long family should stay can vary too. Some people settle better with family nearby. Others become increasingly upset because they keep asking the family to take them home.
Work with the care team and pay attention to the individual.
There Isn’t One Perfect Script
Families often want me to give them the exact words that will make Mom understand and agree with the move.
I wish those words existed.
The best approach depends on the person. Someone in early-stage dementia may deserve and benefit from a very direct conversation. Someone much further along may need information given more simply and closer to the time something is happening.
At Abundant Life Senior Consulting, I help families think through these details as we’re evaluating Memory Care OKC and preparing for a possible transition. Choosing the community is only part of the process. How we get Mom or Dad there matters too.
The question shouldn’t simply be, “Should we tell them?”
Ask, “What can my loved one understand right now, and how can we communicate this in the most respectful and least distressing way possible?”
That’s usually a much better place to start.