One of the most difficult things a family can hear from someone with dementia is, “I want to go home.”
It becomes even harder when Mom is already home.
A daughter may respond, “Mom, you are home. You’ve lived here for 25 years.” Mom looks around and insists that this isn’t her house. The daughter tries to explain it again, maybe showing her familiar pictures or reminding her when they moved there.
Ten minutes later, Mom asks to go home again.
Families understandably find this upsetting. They may assume Mom no longer recognizes her house or worry that moving her into Memory Care OKC will make the problem even worse. Sometimes it helps to understand that when a person with dementia says, “I want to go home,” the word home may mean something very different than a physical address.
“Home” May Be a Feeling
Think about what home means to you.
Yes, it’s a place. But it’s also where you feel safe. It’s familiar. It’s where things make sense.
For someone living with dementia, “I want to go home” may be a way of expressing that they feel confused, uncomfortable or unsure of what is happening.
Mom may not actually be asking you to drive her to another house. She may be trying to tell you, in the best way she can, “I don’t understand where I am and I want to feel safe again.”
That changes how I think we should respond.
If the need is emotional, giving Mom the correct address doesn’t necessarily solve it.
They May Be Remembering a Different Home
Dementia can affect recent memories differently than older ones. Someone may have difficulty remembering where they currently live while having very strong memories of a house from decades earlier.
Mom may be thinking about the house where she raised her children. Dad may picture the home where he lived with his parents.
If Mom believes she is 35 years old and her children are still young, the house she has lived in for the last 20 years may genuinely not feel like “home” in that moment.
Trying to convince her that she’s actually 82 can create more confusion than comfort.
This is something families may continue hearing even after a move into Memory Care OKC. It doesn’t necessarily mean the community is failing or that the person hates living there. The request may be coming from the dementia rather than from the physical environment.
Look at When It Happens
I like to ask families when Mom usually starts saying she wants to go home.
Is it late afternoon? Does it happen when she’s tired? Is the house noisy? Did unfamiliar people come over? Does it happen when a caregiver arrives?
Patterns can tell us a lot.
Some people become more confused or restless later in the day. Others become anxious when their environment is overstimulating. Someone may start asking to go home whenever they feel uncertain.
If we can identify what tends to happen before the request, sometimes we can respond to the underlying need rather than debating the words themselves.
Correcting Them Over and Over Usually Doesn’t Help
Imagine being absolutely convinced that you need to go home and everyone around you keeps telling you that you’re wrong.
That would be frustrating.
If Mom doesn’t recognize the house as home, repeating, “Mom, this IS your house,” may not suddenly restore the missing connection in her brain.
She may instead begin thinking nobody is listening to her.
This is where dementia care requires us to change our normal communication style. In almost every other part of life, when someone says something inaccurate, we correct it.
With dementia, being factually correct isn’t always the most helpful response.
Try Responding to the Feeling
Instead of immediately correcting Mom, we might say something like, “You really want to get home. Tell me about your house.”
Maybe she starts talking about the kitchen. Maybe she tells you about her children.
Now you have something to work with.
You might say, “It sounds like you really loved that house,” and then redirect her toward something familiar. Maybe you look at pictures together, have a snack or go for a walk.
You’re not trying to trick her. You’re trying to understand what she is communicating and respond in a way that reduces distress rather than increasing it.
This is an approach I want to hear about when families are touring Memory Care OKC. If a resident repeatedly asks to go home, how does the staff respond?
That question can tell you quite a bit about their dementia care philosophy.
Sometimes “Home” Means “I Need Something”
Behavior can be communication.
Mom may be hungry but no longer clearly express hunger. Dad may need to use the bathroom but have difficulty telling you. Someone may be tired, in pain or overstimulated.
“I want to go home” can sometimes become the phrase they use whenever something doesn’t feel right.
That’s why experienced caregivers often look beyond the statement itself.
Has Mom eaten? Does she need the restroom? Is the room too loud? Has she been sitting too long? Is she tired?
We may not always figure it out, but it’s worth asking.
What If This Happens After Moving Into Memory Care?
Families worry about this a lot.
Mom moves into Memory Care OKC, and during the first visit she says, “Please take me home.”
That can be heartbreaking.
The immediate instinct is to assume you’ve made a terrible mistake. Sometimes families even consider moving someone back right away because they can’t stand seeing them upset.
A move is a major change for someone with dementia. It can take time for a new environment and new people to become familiar.
This is where I would encourage families to communicate closely with the community. How is Mom doing when you aren’t there? Is she eating? Is she participating? Is she interacting with staff?
Sometimes a resident who repeatedly asks family to take them home settles down shortly after the visit ends and joins an activity.
That doesn’t mean we ignore what Mom says. It means we look at the entire picture rather than one painful moment.
Familiar Things Can Help
When someone moves into memory care, familiar items can sometimes make the new environment feel more recognizable.
Family photos, a favorite blanket, familiar furniture or other meaningful belongings may help. Even the way a room is arranged can create familiarity.
Tell the staff about routines too. What music does Dad like? What does Mom usually drink in the morning? Did she always watch a particular television program?
Those details give caregivers more ways to connect with the person.
When comparing Memory Care OKC, ask how communities help new residents settle in and how families can help personalize the space.
Don’t Take the Words Personally
This can be especially hard for spouses and adult children.
Mom may accuse you of keeping her somewhere. Dad may become angry when you won’t take him home. A spouse who has spent years caring for someone may hear things that feel incredibly hurtful.
Dementia can affect memory, reasoning, judgment and communication. The person may be reacting to a reality that feels completely true to them in that moment.
Understanding that doesn’t make the words painless, but it can help families respond differently.
At Abundant Life Senior Consulting, I spend a lot of time helping families understand not just where Mom or Dad might live, but what some of these behaviors can mean. When we’re comparing Memory Care OKC, I want to know whether the community understands that “I want to go home” isn’t simply a problem to shut down.
Sometimes the person isn’t really asking for a house.
They’re asking for familiarity. They’re asking for comfort. They’re asking for something in their world to make sense again.
And once we understand that, we can start responding to what they’re actually trying to tell us.